6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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