I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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