Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
