Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
