I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
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A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
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That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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