you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
