So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
