Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I have fence marks all over my body
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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