so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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