I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
