No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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