look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
