Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
