On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
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Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
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You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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