I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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