can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
