If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
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