Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
