so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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