sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
