yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I just forgot I was standing up.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
