i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
