But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
