Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
