mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
