She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
