Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
