Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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