doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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