How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
