The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
