I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
