if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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