Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
