you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
