Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
and she was petting her beer can
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
