i think my tv is drunk
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
