i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
