Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
