The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
