i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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