I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
