i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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