so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
