I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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