I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
