i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
