Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
