Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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