I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize