I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
