youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
