If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You are a genius and a whore.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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