Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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