I just pynch a tree in the face
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Randomize
