Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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